Things You Never Knew...

J Schnorng (a.k.a. RamboTan) writes...

‘Did I really take up that much of your time?’ she asked me; she didn’t think she had, these past couple months. I suppose she was right; I’m always kind of reluctant to go anywhere, and I always seem to have a project I’m working on, or a friend who I absolutely have to catch up with, or a football match which is critical to the continued existence of the universe that I need to watch, or another episode of a drama serial which just can’t wait. I suppose that, all things told, she really didn’t take up that much of my time, perhaps because I’m just not a person who has that much time to give.

That being said, I can’t seem to account for the emptiness in my gut - I’ve had a couple shots of Martell, a plate of nasi lemak, cheng tng at Adam Road, watched an episode of All In, read the latest soccer scores, and yet there’s still a strange hollow feeling somewhere below my left ribcage which keeps frustrating me, a feeling I can’t quite banish or ignore, one which distracts me and leaves my thoughts uncollected and unfocused; I’m not thinking of her, or the things that we did together, or the times we spent together, not really, but I know, somehow, that this feeling has to do with the fact that she’s not here, that there won’t be an inevitable call to see what I’m up to, that there won’t be the nights walking to nowhere, that there’s no more us, only me, and somewhere else, somewhere far away, her.

I suppose this is all for the best; in time I’ll learn to think about finishing the little tasks I’ve neglected, cultivate the overgrown gardens in my life, build a new, cleaner way of getting through the day without the long conversations which end with me falling asleep on the phone - you’ll see, there’ll be a better, stronger person at the end of all this, more fulfilled, more purposeful. It’ll be good, and I’ll be good, and everything will be as it should; there’s a plan, and I’m going to work on it, work so hard, do everything so well, just wait and see.

Now, if only that hollow feeling would go away so I can start.

Ok, I originally wanted to summarize but I thought that would take away from the entirety and completeness of the post. Except in my case there wasn't any 'time' taken up, and part of the hollow feeling consists of anger and resentment.