Things You Never Knew...

To our fair young readers, and all who might believe us,
We begin a tale of long, long ago;
Of castles and dragons, and beer by the flagons
And all the corniest jokes you'd know.
For our story begins in practical things,
And a place called the Cornflake Land,
And it starts at the top – and later will stop –
With this Land's most powerful man.
He was young but wise, and could eat, for his size,
Meals of a hundred and one things,
And these he always got – for he was, was he not?
The Cornflake Land's beloved King.

He was happy and kind, and he always had time
For the old and the poor orphan kiddies.
But though he was shy, and a SNAG type of guy,
The only girls around were old biddies.
It troubled our king, this wee minor thing
Of not having someone to marry.
Furthermore all his pals had wonderful gals;
So he thought, "No more shall I tarry!
I'll look, and I'll leap at the first chance to keep
A pretty maiden who can win my favour;
She'll be funny and kind, and I know that I'll find
Her jokes to have a corny flavour."

So the king decided no longer to hide it:
The fact that he was seeking a wife.
And before he knew it, his palace was strewn with
Young lasses wanting a queen's life.
They were young and they were stupid, and hoping
that Cupid's arrow would make the king blind.
But he was not fooled, and in annoyance he ruled
that he'd see girls of only one kind.
They'd have to be witty, and sing him a ditty
About the cereal that they liked best,
And for the finale – he loved this part –
they would have to pass a secret test.

So the selection began, and as time slowly ran
The king felt farther and farther
From his goal of a bride to walk by his side;
It just got harder and harder.
He'd reached the few around five hundred and two
When he decided he'd call it a day,
He said quietly to Five Hundred and Three,
"Thanks for trying; now please go away."
She stood there and stared – or maybe she glared –
And finally she retorted,
"I'm not here to compete in the impossible feat
of trying to get your head sorted."

The king was surprised: not here for the prize
Of his noble hand in marriage?
The girl then continued, with irritation renewed,
"I've come for that half-eaten cabbage."
The king was befuddled: it seemed he had muddled
up a suitor with a palace maid.
And being polite, just like a king might,
He apologized for the mistake he'd made.
"You see," he said sadly, "it's been going quite badly,
this search for a princess soulmate.
Whomever I find must be one of a kind,
And I know that she'll be worth the wait."

"Then what's wrong with waiting?" Her scorn now abating,
the servant felt sad for the king.
"I don't want to wait, for it's getting too late,
and without love, life won't mean a thing."
Seeing his need, she was sorry indeed
And promised to help him keep looking
For a girl who loved corn, and might for him be born,
And incidentally, would be OK at cooking.

So with his newfound assistant and a path less resistant,
The king began feeling quite strengthened,
And though they spent hours discussing chocolates and flowers,
He didn't mind when the days lengthened.
Months they became, though all stayed the same:
Much talk, and no wedding in sight –
The king didn't care, for his new friend was there –
Till at last she told him one night
That she'd found him a girl, alone in all the world
Who might be the one he deserved.
She'd like much to meet him, and perhaps beat him
to the happiness of falling in love.

The king was excited and gladly invited
The servant girl's choice for his mate
To dinner and wine, in his courtyard divine:
Just the two of them, promptly at eight.
The day took forever: soon, however
It was time for dinner at eight.
The trumpets were blowing, and he couldn't help crowing
To his palace, "I've got a date!"
He primped and he preened and was nervous, it seemed
But managed to keep himself steady.
And at last at the call for him through the hall
He strode down it, with roses held ready.

The courtyard was dim – how could she see him? –
And the poor king stumbled his way there.
“I’m sorry, dear miss, for a darkness like this,”
And he collapsed in the opposite chair.
“It’s fine, Your Majesty,” she said quietly,
“At least we’re not starting late
and as for the dark, please pardon my snark,
But it gives new meaning to the phrase ‘blind date’.”
There was a deep pause, probably because
Her joke was so very lame,
But the king began to laugh at a joke so daft,
For he knew he’d have spoken the same.

Off to this start, with great warmth of heart
The king and the maiden had dinner
And they both spoke of very lame jokes
And together they laughed themselves thinner.
Soon it was cake, and the king thought he’d make
One last try to give her a test.
“You’ve shown me you’re witty: do sing me a ditty
Of the cereal that you love best.”
At first she was quiet, but soon she would try it.
She sang of her cartons of milk,
And how she waited, with breath all bated
For her cornflakes and those of its ilk.
She loved Frosties most, they were better than toast!
But there were corn pops and popcorn too;
And corn-on-the-cob – that was a nice job –
And cornbread, with hot chicken stew.

The king was struck dumb; his tongue had gone numb,
And he stared hard, with his eyes blazing.
Could it really be that his soulmate was she?
The girl smiled and said, “It’s a-maizing!”
With that final word that the king heard,
He knew he had no time to waste.
“Dear maiden,” he said, “you’ve gone to my head,
Please let me see your sweet face.”
And then in a blink, before he could think,
The torches around them flared brighter.
The girl he now saw – why, he’d met her before!
She made his heart feel much lighter…

For it was she who volunteered to be
His advisor in things of the heart,
And now that he knew, he knew too what to do.
“You and I,” he promised, “shall never part.”
They were married on the morrow, and no more of sorrow
Did either of them now feel,
For all day they talked, and everywhere walked,
And were so happy that this love was real.
So our moral is this: if you’re looking for bliss,
Be first a person of value.
Love others, and then if you’re patient, in the end
It is Love who will come find you.

(c)marciav.2007